I guess I'll title this: "I. Empathetic" (Get it?)
I've recently been told that I'm extremely empathetic - almost to a dangerous X-Men type level. Add to that my tendency to over give of myself and lack of return on that investment and you've got quite a complex person to examine. This same authority has informed me that I should find confidence and happiness within myself and not rely so heavily on the schizophrenic nature of everyone around me.
Hmm, ok - that's great in theory, but would I be happier in a cave all alone as long as I'm self-assured and confident? Hell no! Would you? I doubt it. So external validation seems to me to be a normal ingredient in confidence and happiness, right? If everyone told you that you were an 'ugly idiot' then how would you find that confidence and self worth with all of those negative influences? Then there's the empathy-factor - if someone around me is sad or down, I can feel their sadness and experience it, which is a gift I guess, but also a curse...
Here I am trying my best to find that brightness within myself, but I come upon someone sad or down and immediately feel it and experience their emotions from within - as if they are my own. But I think I take it to the next level and somehow blame myself for them feeling that way. I tend to take everything very personally - another trait I've been told is my own doing and my own fault - literally everything is my fault.
And the empathy or emotional-transfer does work the other way. Brightness and cheer does illuminate me temporarily, but it's usually a quick 'high' followed by a big low. I used to be the bright beam of light and I still always try to make sure everyone has a great time and is happy, but for whatever reason it's hard for me to be that way.
I guess I'm just 'feeling sorry for myself' and that never helps anyone or anything either.
Back to the external validation and my reliance on others - Here's a question for you - do you ever get phone calls from your friends or family? YOU DO?! That's great. Do you ever call any of them? For my entire life I've been the one that calls 95% of my friends. The only time someone calls me is when I call them first. That's quite telling and exhausting. I used to literally take an afternoon or a long car drive as the opportunity to catch up and check in with a long list of friends, but after a while of realizing that I am the only one that reaches out I decided I don't have the desire to keep proving that I'm the desperate one and they only answer if they're not doing something more important.
Sadly, there is a long list of once-great friends that just stopped returning my calls or responding to emails or text messages. They just dissolved themselves from my life with no explanation. Well, sure - a couple of them have given me explanations mostly related to personal choices I've made over the years that they didn't agree with - that's their choice, ok, but what of those that just stopped? Childhood friends, High School friends, College pals just no longer needing even one phone conversation with me a year - that's not much to ask or expect, but a true friend would be available even more than that.
Yes, there are exceptions to my generalization above - there are those that I could miss a year or two of talks and pick right back up where we left off. There are also some whom I haven't spoken to or seen in literally decades and we can suddenly get in touch and spend time talking or having lunch and it's incredible. Those exceptions are few and far between and when you're already going through difficult emotional times a good friend who wants to be there for you, listen and understand you and offer advice or a hug would be an incredible comfort to have.
Hmm, ok - that's great in theory, but would I be happier in a cave all alone as long as I'm self-assured and confident? Hell no! Would you? I doubt it. So external validation seems to me to be a normal ingredient in confidence and happiness, right? If everyone told you that you were an 'ugly idiot' then how would you find that confidence and self worth with all of those negative influences? Then there's the empathy-factor - if someone around me is sad or down, I can feel their sadness and experience it, which is a gift I guess, but also a curse...
Here I am trying my best to find that brightness within myself, but I come upon someone sad or down and immediately feel it and experience their emotions from within - as if they are my own. But I think I take it to the next level and somehow blame myself for them feeling that way. I tend to take everything very personally - another trait I've been told is my own doing and my own fault - literally everything is my fault.
And the empathy or emotional-transfer does work the other way. Brightness and cheer does illuminate me temporarily, but it's usually a quick 'high' followed by a big low. I used to be the bright beam of light and I still always try to make sure everyone has a great time and is happy, but for whatever reason it's hard for me to be that way.
I guess I'm just 'feeling sorry for myself' and that never helps anyone or anything either.
Back to the external validation and my reliance on others - Here's a question for you - do you ever get phone calls from your friends or family? YOU DO?! That's great. Do you ever call any of them? For my entire life I've been the one that calls 95% of my friends. The only time someone calls me is when I call them first. That's quite telling and exhausting. I used to literally take an afternoon or a long car drive as the opportunity to catch up and check in with a long list of friends, but after a while of realizing that I am the only one that reaches out I decided I don't have the desire to keep proving that I'm the desperate one and they only answer if they're not doing something more important.
Sadly, there is a long list of once-great friends that just stopped returning my calls or responding to emails or text messages. They just dissolved themselves from my life with no explanation. Well, sure - a couple of them have given me explanations mostly related to personal choices I've made over the years that they didn't agree with - that's their choice, ok, but what of those that just stopped? Childhood friends, High School friends, College pals just no longer needing even one phone conversation with me a year - that's not much to ask or expect, but a true friend would be available even more than that.
Yes, there are exceptions to my generalization above - there are those that I could miss a year or two of talks and pick right back up where we left off. There are also some whom I haven't spoken to or seen in literally decades and we can suddenly get in touch and spend time talking or having lunch and it's incredible. Those exceptions are few and far between and when you're already going through difficult emotional times a good friend who wants to be there for you, listen and understand you and offer advice or a hug would be an incredible comfort to have.
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